On paper, your life is objectively good. You've got everything anyone could ever want. You're living the dream that you were promised you'd get as long as you worked hard. You made it.
And yet, there's this little voice inside of you whispering: "What if...?"
Over time the voice gets louder. You think maybe it's time for a change, but you're worried that you're going to regret it. That you'll ruin a good life for a chance of a great one, and end up face down in the mud in the process.
How do you trust the signs that it's time to start over? How do you know it's not just you being restless and ungrateful for what you have?
Here are 5 questions to ask yourself when you think it's time for a change – but you're scared that you're making a mistake and leaving something good.
1 - Is life "boring" or are you not appreciating what you have?
The easiest way to answer this question is to develop a gratitude practice. Every day for one month, write down on a piece of paper something that you're grateful for, and place it in a jar. Notice if the nagging sensation that life needs a change has gone away, or if it is still there. Maybe you actually have a life you love, you just forgot to notice it. And if the sensation is still there, perhaps there's a deeper truth about your life that is wanting to be seen.
2 - Are you "stuck" because of where you are, or because of limiting beliefs?
"This always happens to me" or "my boss never listens to my ideas" or "there's no one left to date here." All or nothing sentence construction tends to point to limiting beliefs. Take some time to reflect on what is driving the sense that you need to make a change, and whether the real change that's needed is a mindset shift to approach your problem with an out-of-the-box solution.
3 - Are you "self-sabotaging" or is your subconscious actually trying to save your life?
"I'm the problem, it's me," you tell your friends or your therapist, but what if what you've categorized as a "problem" is actually your inner truth? What if you "acting out" is actually a soul knowing that there's a different life you were meant for, and it's determined to change your circumstances at all costs? Maybe you're not committing to the relationship, half-assing the job, and skipping out on the drinks night not because you're a bad person, but because something inside you is saying "this isn't where you're supposed to be."
Clara Ritger
Related Read: If you're in the midst of a time where you're reflecting on the meaning of your life, you might enjoy this philosophical musing from an encounter I had with gorillas in Uganda.
4 - Do you have dreams that you're putting on hold?
You can stay in something objectively good, or you can chase your dreams.
If you're sitting with that knowing, I feel you. That's hard. Because people would kill for the life that you have, and who are you to be ungrateful for it?
Remember that you're not living the dream life if it isn't your dream. Don't live someone else's dream and abandon yours.
More on how I'm navigating this below.
5 - How does the thought of starting over make you feel? How does the thought of staying where you are forever make you feel?
This may be last on the list, but for me it's the number one sign that it's time for a change, even when your life is objectively good.
To really, truly know if something has run its course, to trust the pull toward what's next even when what's here is comfortable, get into your body. Meditate. Imagine your new life. The dreams you've put on hold coming true. Notice how it feels in your body.
Now imagine staying exactly where you are forever, and never achieving those dreams. Notice how it feels in your body.
I offer 1:1 support for this – read more here and drop me an email if you'd like to explore working together.
Why The Nervous System Resists Change
Knowing that it's time for a change and having the ability to make that change are two different things, and having more willpower isn't necessarily the answer. The nervous system prefers what is familiar and predictable – even when it is objectively "bad" for you.
- It's not that you don't want to commit to the relationship, it's that your body won't let you because as a child, you were safer keeping a distance from people who "loved" you.
- It's not that you don't want to settle down and build a life in one place, it's that you learned that moving and starting over was a solution to avoid life challenges.
- It's not that you're avoiding your emotions, it's that displays of emotion as a child resulted in punishment, and your body thinks that disconnecting from the experience is safer than feeling it.
The nervous system returns to old patterns that kept you safe, even when you want to change. If, after reflecting on the 5 questions, you know it's time for a change, but you can feel the resistance to making it, here's a somatic practice you can use to ease your nervous system into trusting that it's safe to let go, developed by psychologist and trauma researcher, Dr. Peter Levine.
Somatic Practice To Ease Change
- Set a timer for 5 minutes.
- Find a place in your body that feels comfortable and easeful to you. It might be your toes, the palm of your hand. A place where you don't feel any pain, and you can connect to it with gentle, loving attention. Bring your awareness there for a moment, and then let it go.
- Now imagine the change you know you need to make, and notice how it feels in your body. Notice where in your body you have sensations, if any. Allow the sensations to be there, and just notice them. If at any point it feels like too much, bring your attention back to the first place in your body, the place that is easy to connect to with gentle, loving attention.
- Practice titration, moving your attention back and forth between the place in your body that feels easeful, and the place or places in your body that feel activated when you envision the change. You can spend as long as you want with your attention in either place.
- When the timer goes off, wrap your arms around your chest in a hug. Feel your chest rising into the weight of your arms as you breathe. Notice how that experience was for you. You might wish to write down what you observed and return to the practice another day.
What this exercise does is teach our nervous system to progressively handle stress without collapse, knowing that we have the capacity, in our body, to hold both stress and ease, at the exact same time. And that no matter how much time we spend in the place of stress, it will be over.
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Here's Why I'm Leaving An Objectively Good Life
I'm finally leaving Bali, and this time I think it's for good.
